A Trip Down Memory Lane

This week was an extremely interesting one. Do you ever go through a situation and say to yourself "I wonder how I will feel 1 year from now?" This week was one of my "I wonder" weeks. A year ago around this time, I was depressed. I was seriously contemplating suicide inspite of the consequences. The dangerous part was that for some reason I could turn on what I call "the magic." The magic is when you are slowly dieing inside minute by minute yet when your in the presence of friends/family, you can snap right back to your "fun" self.

It was dangerous because no one knew that anything was wrong with me. No one knew that I would go to the bathroom during my last weeks of work and cry so hard that my eyes would be red by the time I returned to my desk. No one knew that I kept a bottle of pills on my night stand and stared at it every night trying to convince myself to down the entire bottle. No one knew that it hurt to breathe. No one knew that I didnt have the strength or desire to open my mouth and pray. No one knew. This went on for about a month, maybe less. It was not anyone's fault, I was just distraught. I felt so alone in this world. I was living on my own, unemployed (Thank God for Unemployment Benefits), sometimes barely could buy food to eat and too proud to tell my family that I needed help. I was lonely, my boyfriend and I were on the outs for about 1 year and part of me missed him but a greater part of me was trying to get over him(Here's a thought, if your trying to get over someone you love, maybe you should not try to maintain a friendship. Im just saying lol). I was not interested in meeting anymore losers (Sorry Babe, thats how I felt for a little while back then, but I love you, cause I was bugging out back in 08'and you stuck in there as long as you could LOL) Things were just crazy.

I remember it being the week of our Jurisdictional Holy Convocation. There would be church all week long. One day before those Services began,I began to talk with God. I dont remember exactly what I said, but I made a commitment to Him that I would go to every service, every night this week and if it was possible to just send a word for me each night, to help take me out of this rut. And to open up my mind so that I can retain the message and carry it on to the next day. That was my prayer.

The first night was a Musical, it was ok. My best friend met me over there and I "turned on the magic" (lol). But then half way through the service I get a text message that for the first time, in 6yrs,he was coming to the service with his new "girlfriend" (What?!?! "Where they do that at?"). Okay, thats all I needed to hear, I looked at my home girl and said, its time to go, she began to question me but my face must have said it all. Of course (The devil dont play fair) as Im walking out, whose walking in? You guessed it. It was Bugar Bear (Like my First Lady would say lol) & his new girlfriend. I was a lady, I tried to walk proudly, of course I dont know what it looked like to them, but whatever I did, I looked good doing it cause my outfit, hair, everything was on point. But inside, I was devestated!!! Why now? Like we tend to say "when it rains it pours." There was no way I was going back to another service that week. I cant sit there and watch him with her. I havent perfected my fake smile that I had to give all the gossiping people who would have a field day with this scandal. I wasnt strong enough to sit there and act like I wasnt gonna look in their direction, and not shed a tear. I couldnt do it! Or so I thought.

After another night of crying myself to sleep, but this time with a concrete reason, I woke up feeling weird. I woke up with a reminder from God that I made him a promise. So no matter what I felt like, I had to get my act together, put on another banging outfit and tell the devil to hit me with his best shot! My heart raced all the way there, and boy was the preacher right up my alley. The service was such a blessing, and he was there, but she was not, and I just played it cool and kept it moving. I made it! I was proud of myself, and I pressed my way every night in fear of what I would have to face but doing it anyway! And let me tell you this, every night it got easier and easier. My heart got lighter and lighter and by the conclusion of the week, I was released!!! I was free of depression. I didnt worry let myself worry about my bills anymore or food or clothers or whatever...I threw the pills in the garbage. I fixed my relationship with the Lord who wrapped his heavenly arms around me to keep me from feeling lonely and I went on with my life. I was free. God freed me. And I said to myself, "I wonder where my life will be 1 year from now."

Here I am! 1 year later, on my blog, and perhaps encouraging someone with this story. There is prupose in everything that we face. Back then, it was the end of my world, but today, it is a joke that my boyfriend and I look back on sometimes and laugh. (Yes, a real laugh, let the past remain there). I say all that to say this. Our problems seem so huge when we are going through them, but where will we be 1 year from now? Most likely not dealing with this very issue. Understand that if the devil can find a way to keep you down he will. He's gonna keep trying different methods to see what works and what will throw you off your game, but let God be your coach and follow His game plan. It may mean that your sitting on the bench for the 1st quater (single, job-less, sick) but this game is not over. Be alert, watch the game so that when Coach Jesus calls you in, you have already sized up your opponent. If you notice, my circumstances did not change until I rested fully on God. You have no idea what greatness lies in you until it is manifested. Had I given up you would not be reading this today. Remember that you have power through God. You have the power to either lay there and carry your problems, or to pick them up and hand them over to Jesus. I pray that you remember reading this a year from now, and Im pretty sure I will remember writing it. So whats my report? 1 year later and Im still with Jesus :-) Where will you be?


God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.

2 Samuel 22:33
KJV