There has been a running joke throughout my life between my friends and some family members of mine. Everyone always says that crazy things happen when they are with me. There is never a dull moment when we hang out. They pretty much called me a blight. I guess eventually I started rubbing off on my best friend because together we are border line chaos (lol). I always laughed it off, there was definetly truth to it but I never took it too seriously. That was until a few years ago. I was having a hard time finding a job after I moved back to New York (Lived in Miami for about 6months but thats a whole other blog post). I was unemployed for over a year before I finally found a job and within two months of working as a Personal Assistant/Secretary for a lunatic, I was in my first car accident. My brakes stopped working on the Jackie Robinson Express Way (No I was not driving a Toyota lol). My injuries prevented me from being able to work full time and the job was very demanding and required about 50hrs a week. I had to leave the job and wait on what ended up being a 5month disability process.
One day my mother was speaking with my grandma and she was telling her what was going on with me and my great trial of affliction. My grandma then said to her "why do things always go wrong for Jackie?" I was blown away. I never looked at it that way. I always knew that if I was going to the club and all my friends got in, I would be the one who was stopped because my ID looked kind of funny (relax, I wasnt saved then,smh, so judgmental lol). If I was planning a get together or an outting for weeks, I would be the one to get sick as a dog the night before. I was the one who would lose her paycheck, I was the one who suffered from seizures (especially at night) and had to sleep next to my sister so she can make sure I didnt die in my sleep. I was also the one who would grab her arm while I was having seizure to try to stop her from running to my parents so I would not have to spend another week in the hospital. Even through all of that I never paid much attention to how frequently things would go wrong before they went right until my grandma said that. But she was right.
I been saved for about 8 years now and it was not until the 6th year that I realized that I have been programming myself to prepare for the worst and if it turns out to be good then so be it, but if it turned out bad then I would already be emotionally prepared. That was a lack of faith. As a Christian I have to expect God to work things out. I have to trust that despite of what it seems like, what it sounds like or even what it feels like, God is in control and has my best interest at hand. I have to believe that God will make me victorious. But you know how it is guys, when God has taken you through something, sometimes we forget about how able He is to do it again, and again, and agian.
So today I asked God why! Why do I feel like I am the only one going through? Why do I have to be in the position where people can laugh at me and say what kind of God would allow their child to go through this? Why cant things be simple? Why cant I be a millionaire? Why cant I buy the house that I want and drive the Range Rover I have always wanted instead of taking the bus (rolling my eyes), Why? Why cant I get a break?!?!?!?!
Today I asked God Why. Today I remembered that I am only an instrument in God's orchestra of service. It is so much bigger than me that the question "why" is too broad to clearly define the purpose of my suffering. I realized that God can show me better than he could tell me. I realized that although my grandma was right, she was only half way right because everytime something goes wrong for me it is an opportunity for God to make it right. It is a new chance to slap the devil who thought that I would give up. It is another way for God to show me that he has not forgotten and will never forget.
Some may say why not just avoid all of the pain and just be a God who blesses his people, why not forget about the trials and always take care of me (hay at one point I thought about that), but then I envisioned myself taking a test and getting all the answers from a cheat sheet and passing the class, but then I got to the next level in that subject and didnt know how to succeed because in the last class I cheated. I pictured myself getting to the next level and failing. If we dont learn the material now, if we cheat our way to where we want to be, when we get there we will fail. Life is filled with different subjects so we must study every level so we can progress and not regress. I dont know about you but I would hate to become the millionaire who never learned how to save her money, only to end up broke. I rather study for this test and pass it with flying colors. My destination is success, my experiences are simply stops I take along the way to fill up my gas tank, because what burdens should do is fuel you.
When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou has ordained; What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?
Psalm 8:3-4
KJV
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