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My First Mistake Was You


PROLOGUE

The Diner was filled with the strong scent of black coffee and scrambled eggs. I sat in the back and watched people run in and out as they picked up some ammunition to get through their busy Saturday. I looked across the table at Aaron as he twiddled his thumbs nervously. I knew that this moment was coming; it was only a matter of time before we had this conversation. I searched the menu as a distraction while secretly hoping that we could hold off another day without saying these words. I figured that maybe if I focused hard enough we could have a fun breakfast and go on our merry way. Maybe we could go shopping and forget about our sorrows like old times. As optimistic of a person as I am, I knew that a peaceful morning was highly unlikely. Aaron is not the kind of person to hold back his feelings on anything, despite of if he is in the right or in the wrong. I did not expect him to start doing it today, this far into our marriage.
I settled my eyes on the Deluxe Platter as if somewhere in those home fries were my escape from the depressing reality of life. I looked up just in time to watch the Hispanic waitress seductively walk over to our table to take our order. She wore her hair in a high ponytail which revealed the butterfly tattoo behind her neck. It looked like it flew up from her spine. Her lips protruded behind her bright red lipstick. Her hair was jet black and contrasted with her pale light skin. Although she was in the company uniform, I could still see the lining of her plump behind. She left the top button of her shirt loose so everyone could clearly see the creases of her double C’s. I assumed that this was not the dress code the owner intended when he selected the company uniform, but then again in this present world, you just never know.
She made it her goal to ignore my nasty stare by keeping her back turned to avoid direct eye contact with me. I was outraged. Here I was sitting with my husband, and this busty waitress was clearly disrespecting me by flirting with him. She lowered her chest to his eye level as she supposedly showed him the “daily specials”. I rolled my eyes at Aaron. If I did not know better, I would say he was flirting back with her. Sure he was politely looking at the menu and giving her his order, but I refuse to believe that he did not notice what the woman was doing. It was like I was not even sitting there. I watched my husband look into her eyes as they spoke. She threw her head back laughing at whatever stupid remark he made. She was so pathetic, it cannot be as funny as she was trying to make it seem. I wanted to jump across the table and claw Aaron. He makes me sick. He had to be attentive. I was so entangled at the sight of this craziness that I could hardly hear their words. All I could see was her body language and it was enough to make me want to explode.
I know Aaron is a handsome man. He is six foot two and muscular with smooth chocolate almond skin, and bright eyes that held a dreamy stare. He is always sharply dressed. The only place that he does not wear some kind of shirt and tie to was the gym, and that is only when he is coming home and did not bother to change back into his regular clothes. Aaron kept a low hair cut at all times and wore just the right amount of facial hair surrounding his luscious thin lips. I am very much attracted to him. I understand that other women notice him as well; that part never quite bothered me. The only problem is that he was beginning to return their interests.
I bit my lip and held back my desire to slap Aaron straight across his face. He flashed his off white smile at the waitress as she wrote his order on her small worn notepad. He was just having a ball and apparently she was the DJ. I watched her reluctantly turn in my direction when it was time to take my order. She dropped her shoulders and slightly titled her head. I noticed she was smacking on some gum as the tapped her blue pen. She was deliberately unprofessional. I had no intentions of ever coming to eat here again. I would however be back at the end of her shift to ask the little home wrecker what her problem was. Though I am currently living Uptown Manhattan, I swear some people still have the ability to touch the Pemingtion Texas side of me. I wanted to drag her up and down this floor like I used to have to do when I first moved to New York and was living in Red hook Housing Projects. Back in those days, I had to make examples out of the women who were jealous of what Aaron and I had. They tried any and everything to put me in a body bag. I in return tried everything to stay out. I felt like the waitress was one of those girls who felt threatened by our presence and was trying to prove that she could break us. I wonder if she would still want him if she knew what he did. Just as I was about to spontaneously combust, she spread her lips and spoke.
“And you ma’am, what will you be having?”
The words rolled off of her tongue like a disgusting flavor that she wanted to get rid of, but did not know how. She kept occasionally glancing back at Aaron even while speaking to me. He was now flashing his off white teeth at me, seeking some kind of redemption. I gripped the table and gritted my teeth at the look of Aaron and his pitiful behavior. I was not about to let this woman watch me sweat so I did everything very swiftly. There was no need to have some waitress pulling on my hair and trying to scratch up my skin when I would be back later without my stilettos.
On the outside I was flawless. I had time to get my manicure done yesterday afternoon, and this was my first real day back out on my feet. Knowing what the breakfast would include, I made sure that I looked my best. I wore the black wrap around funky coat that hugged all my curves. It drove Aaron wild. I decided to really lay it on thick by wearing the blue green low cut dress with the large gold fashion belt and gold accessories down to the very shoes on my feet. The dress opened up just enough to create curiosity, but followed every step I took. I t could command the attention of a blind man. I am looking good, so why allow these people to make me feel low and pathetic? Why am I as a grown successful black woman, giving permission for a Diner waitress to take me out of my nature?
“What’s wrong with me?” I mumbled breathlessly.
“I’m sorry ma’am, what did you say you wanted? You have to speak up if you want me to hear you.” I want her to hear me alright.
“Oh you wanna hear me? That’s funny because when you walked over here and started flirting with my husband, I could barely hear you. Now you wanna hear me? Make up your mind. Do you just want him or are you after us both?”
Although I was speaking with both sarcasm and an attitude I was sure not to attract too much attention. The last thing I wanted to do was come off as the crazy ghetto wife accusing the poor helpless waitress of wanting her man. That would have been tacky. Instead I spoke high enough for the group of college students at the table beside us to hear. They all looked in our direction in disbelief. I watched her face gain its red pigment from her humiliation. I guess she assumed I was his sister or something because she actually looked embarrassed. I had no pity for her anyhow, I am here with him and that should have been enough for her fast tail to back off. I saw other women checking him out who did not have the audacity to do what she did. On the other hand, who could blame her? Aaron was not hesitating to participate in the flirting. Aaron did not bother to look up at her. You would assume that a real man would attempt to mediate this situation, but Aaron was not your average man. He was an unhappily married fool who thought that there was someone out there he may have missed by marrying me. He hated the thought of knowing that after ten years of marriage, he was not allowed to sleep with other women or fondle his willing employees. Here we were sitting across from each other at the Good Morning Midnight Café, wondering who would say it first. I looked up at the waitress who was still trying to pick her face up off the floor and spoke with a stern and determined tone.
“I would like the same thing my husband is having. I want it with scrambled eggs and a side order of strawberries. Do you have sweetened iced tea by any chance?”
Aaron stared at me in disbelief. I was actually asking her a question without lunging at her across the table.
“Yes.” Her once red face was now embracing a light pink color which I think suited her better than her pale skin.
“Great, then give me a glass of iced tea. One more thing, Aaron, I want a divorce.”
The waitress froze. She looked at me like I was some kind of monster and Aaron was my prey. I neatly picked up both menus and handed them to her. She probably thought I was over reacting; after all, it was supposedly harmless flirting. The college students stared in awe and amazement as if I was an inspirational no non sense woman. Little did they all know this was the only reason Aaron and I came to the Diner today.



Chapter 1-Elle
I was relieved to finally be in Houston. My legs were cramped from being scrunched in those uncomfortable bus seats, and my back ached from the long ride. Although I was happy to finally be in a different environment, my arrival was somewhat bitter sweet. I grew up in Houston but I had not kept in touch with anyone since I moved to New York. Love has a way of making you think that it is all you need to be sustained. You change your phone number here and there, move to a couple of different places and your past pretty much drops off the face of the earth.
As far as I know, most of my family no longer lived down here. Last I heard, my brother Ashton joined the U.S. Coast Guards and is serving at the Keys in Florida. My baby sister Michelle is in college somewhere in California, and my older sister Jasmine is married with children over in Chicago. We are all apart. Of course I only knew this after seeing one of my old, but nosey classmates from high school. She was visiting New York some years ago and we ran into each other in the city. Even though she was far from Pemington, she stuck out like a sore thumb. I could spot someone from my town like a sniper. All the women wore their hair in complicated styles with stiff spray, hair gel, glitter, color; you name it, they got it. The crazier the style, the better they thought it looked. In addition, they had the audacity to love denim. Here was Annabel Richmond sitting there with her black and red hair with some parts hanging loosely while the rest was gelled down to her scalp with some finger waves. She was sipping on a vanilla frapacinno, trying her best to blend in with the local people. After the usual catch up conversation, she told me how proud of my siblings she was. I knew she just wanted to see my reaction to the news. Pemington was a small town and most people there know that I left home against my parents wishes in order to help my then fiancé start a Real Estate company. They knew Aaron as the New Yorker who was only in Texas for a drug trade gone badly. According to my father, Aaron ruined our lives. They knew that my family disowned me as a result of my disobedience. They also knew that the New Yorker and I had been successful in our efforts, and were doing well for ourselves. Not that it mattered; my parents did not want a cent of my money. It was all dirty in their sight.
I cannot blame my siblings for losing contact with me. I knew that my father would pretty much lynch them if we stayed in touch. My father was an Army Sergeant and what he said was exactly what he said. There was no room for input, not from my mother, not from my brother and sisters and especially not from me. I held no grudges, getting out of Texas was a huge accomplishment for those who grew up in the hot sunny suburbs of our small town. My parents to the contrary did not view such departures as positive. My mother loved the weather along with the lifestyle, and my father enjoyed volunteering in the nearby Army Base. Pemington would be their home until Heaven took its place. Still, I had to deal with the fact that I am alone out here. I doubt that they would care to see me after all these years with news of my divorce. The last thing I wanted to hear was “I told you so.” The reality of my situation was that I am alone out here.
I had become familiar and secure with the faces that rode with me from New York and Washington. In my mind they were kind of like distant friends that I met up with and did not have much to say to, but were still considered friends anyhow. The warm smile of my red headed neighbor kept reassuring me that I had done the right thing. Although I have never met this woman in my entire life, I wanted to ask for her phone number to give her a call sometime. I liked the idea of having someone around who was genuinely concerned about the changes in my life; someone who needed constant reassurance that I was okay with coming back to Houston. Normally, Aaron would be that person, but with him out of the picture, I am left to convince myself. Part of me missed him, but it was always conquered with the knowledge that I could never turn back. I decided not to pursue the red heads phone number. Why should she care anyway? No one else seemed to care about where I was. Besides, I sat there the whole time and said nothing to her on a three day trip. I guess her welcoming smile was just a part of her southern hospitality.
I sat there patiently and waited for her to gather her stuff. I was in no rush. I had not been back to Houston in years. Although I grew up here, I felt like a stranger to the city. People say that there is no place like home, but in my situation I disagree. The last thing I wanted to hear was negativity from my disapproving father. I made it in New York and I can make it out here. I have no choice. The only way I can survive this divorce was if I got as far away from Aaron as possible. The only other place I could ever feel comfortable is down here.
I stared outside the window at the crowded bus station. Everyone seemed to be in somewhat of a rush. I envied their knowledge of their destination and their eagerness to get there. The sun appeared to beam down on them like prisms. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the unknown. Although it is kind of familiar territory, I still feel like I am on foreign land. I had a list of things that I needed to do, but did not know where to start let alone which way start was. Maybe this was exactly what I needed to regain control of my life; A huge change and no one but myself to lean on.
“Good luck young lady.” The red headed woman said to me as she turned to walk down the narrow bus aisle. I could not muster up a response because I was too astonished that even a stranger could tell that I needed luck.

Finding an apartment complex felt a bit too easy, I settled in a one bedroom on Cactus Lakes Drive. There was a unit pool and a gym available if you paid the membership fee. Needless to say, I did not. Across my window was a clear view of the basketball court that the teenage guys appeared to be very fond of. I was on the second floor or the complex at the end of the hall. My only neighbor was an elderly Haitian couple. They were kind enough to come over and tell me how poorly the building is managed and how badly the central air system ran in their living room. All I have to do is invest in a good old fashioned fan and I would be just fine. It was not exactly my idea of a welcome wagon but I will take what I can get. I had no intentions of staying here for an elongated period of time. It was only temporary and I would make it in the warm air until then.
The apartment came furnished with an old bedroom set, along with one futon in the living room. I had a long way to go but it was a start. I already missed my large front yard with the hibiscus flowers and lilies that decorated the rim of the house. There are no exotic flowers in my area. I would have to work with the resources that I had available to me. The kitchen had a small wooden table and one metal chair with a pink cushion suitable for one person. The bathroom had a stand up shower with a small white sink beside it. The shower was the main part of the apartment that bothered me. Sure I was accustomed to a larger bed with more lavish furniture but I could always work my way up to that, and manage without such luxuries. It was the stand up shower that I could not get accustomed to. I loved to be able to soak in a warm bubble bath after a tensed day. It was therapeutic. It was an opportunity to stop, take a deep breath and take it all in. Unfortunately, that tranquility was no longer available to me. It was not something that I could easily replace or fill in. The stand up shower would be a constant reminder that this place is not mine and that I am only borrowing it for the time being. The apartment must be returned in the same fashion it was received. In order to change my circumstances I would have to move out of the complex and into a nice private house. Until then, it would take some adjusting but I would just have to get accustomed to it. Luckily for me, anything is better than being in the position of feeling unappreciated by my selfish womanizing ex- husband.
I stood in the middle of the living room and wondered what was next. I guess it was time for me to explore my neighborhood, perhaps even make some friends. The silence was beginning to hurt. First I would put my little bit of things away and then I would head out to the local store to purchase some cleaning products. I grabbed my large duffel bag and wheel away suitcase and headed to the bedroom. I was surprised that I managed to fit my entire life into them. I really left a lot behind. I did not want to bring anything that would remind me of Aaron and defeat the purpose of moving this far. He had a tendency of buying a lot of my clothes and jewelry. I used to think of his gestures as thoughtful and sweet, but now I realize that guilt was his only motivation. It was just one more way to keep his leash on me and make sure I remained blind long enough to miss his infidel moments.
I decided to hold off on unpacking. I was getting a little light headed and realized that I had not eaten in almost a day. I was also hoping to buy some dinner for the night, which would probably end up being leftovers for tomorrow. Texas restaurants always give a load of greasy and heavy food. It is just what the heartbreak doctor ordered. I stepped out onto the building terrace and took a deep breath. The sun was kissing the horizon and had a beautiful orange glow to it. This was the beginning of many familiar days to come. Dinner for one, phone not ringing, I realized at that moment that I was truly alone now. There was no one to turn to or call on, and more importantly no one to depend on. Everything I did from here on end would be for me. I could not fathom the idea of being with another man. I am uncomfortable with men looking at me desirably so I knew that I was not ready to allow one to converse with me. Children were no longer on my agenda. I could not bear the idea of being pregnant. I would be alone for the rest of my life. My head began to spin again. My tongue was dry and I felt that familiar pain in my chest. I closed my eyes while grasping the metal railings and took a few deep breaths. Breathing helped me earlier when I was buying the bus ticket in New York and had one of these episodes. Of course that was different, I was on a long line in a crowded bus station with a whole “new world” ahead of me, but right now I felt like I was stuck in the world that was chosen for me. This was all happening way too fast.
I turned back into my lonely apartment. I held the walls as I made my way to the bedroom. I placed one hand on my heart and the other on the cheap ivory paint in the hallway. I used the dresser to help secure my balance as I eased myself down on the bed. I had not changed the sheets or sterilized anything yet, but at that point I did not care. I was home, this is home now and my heart felt too heavy for my body. I needed to lie down. The pain did not leave, and the room was still spinning. I hugged the slightly firm pillow and closed my eyes. There on my new mattress I allowed myself to do something that I have been trying to do for months. For some reason before tonight it required a great amount of effort. It was something that only I would hear, and it was past due. For the first time in what felt like forever, I let down my guard and cried.

“Is this Elle?”
I did not recognize the woman’s voice from the other end of the phone, but decided to respond regardless. I was once a telemarketer so I try to patronize them from time to time.
“Yes whose calling?” I tried to sound cheerful.
“This is Aaron’s girl!”
I felt all the air leave my chest. Suddenly I could feel every valve in my body that blood was pumping through. ? There was an ache and consistent pain throbbing inside of me. While my body knew exactly what was happening, my mind still struggled to register what was going on. Did I really hear what I just heard? Was this some kind of prank call? Why would anyone play such a sick joke?
“Did you hear me or what?”
Her voice was sassy and filled with haste as if she was in rush to break any ounce of hope that I was dreaming. I could not believe this woman was boldly calling my house in such a casual way. I did not know how to react. Anger and rage filled my thoughts and my hands slightly trembled. All I could ask myself was “where is Aaron?”
”He’s right here next to me, I just finished putting it on him again and this time it knocked him out. Actually that’s why I’m calling you. Aaron does not want to be with you anymore, he loves me and we are going to be together.”
Apparently I spoke those words out loud and this was her way of telling me that my husband was leaving me for her. I muzzled up enough strength to ask to speak with Aaron myself. I had no idea what I was going to say or wanted to say, but I had this dying need to speak with my husband. I knew there had to be some sort of explanation for the actions of this insane woman. In my heart I believed that things were not as simple as she was speaking it.
“We were talking about this before we checked in and we decided that it’s time for us to be official. I won’t stress him out or upset him because I know how to keep a man. We both decided that I’m the best person to call you up so here I am.”
She was actually serious. I dropped down to my knees and felt a welt of warm tears stream down my face. I want to call her everything but a child of God, but for some reason the words could not formulate on my lips. All I could think of was Aaron, and wanting to speak with him myself. The rage had not consumed me yet, I still wanted clarity.
“Your husband is not coming home tonight Elle, or any other night for that matter. I will be over later to pick up his things.”
She called him my husband as if it was his job title. We both knew who he was and by now we know the roles that we play in his life. I drew a blank at that point. All I could say was “see you then.”



AARON-2
Waking up in the morning is the hardest part of my day. I rolled over to a cold spot in the bed with no one to kiss or stare at before I got up. Nobody to gently un-wrap my arms from around their waist or to tip toe around in hopes of not waking up. It was just me. Daily I would peel myself from underneath the covers in emotional misery. Although I owned a real estate company, and did not have a set schedule, I could not be awake and stay in my home with nothing to do and no one to speak with. There was so much time to think about Elle that I thought I would go crazy. Every day I got up like an average nine to five worker and went into the office. I am sure that my employees hated me for it, but they had no idea how often my mind imprisoned me with my many thoughts.

I hated my reflection in the mirror. I disgusted myself. Every day I reluctantly picked out my clothes. Elle used to be the one who would lay them out for me. She loved the way I dressed and knew just what suit, shirt and tie combination would flow together perfectly. It was weird not having anyone there to tell me their opinion of how I looked and what I could do to make my outfit look better. I missed her small soft hands tightening my tie. She did not have to be up so early, but she insisted on making me breakfast. What did I ever do to deserve such a thoughtful woman? I glanced at myself briefly. There was nothing spectacular, just your typical suit and tie. I dressed professionally, but not extraordinarily. I missed Elle beyond words. I am such a screw up. I looked at the outfit that I selected over and over. It was a dark blue suit with baby blue pin stripes, a summer green shirt and a navy blue and summer green tie. This was not my first time wearing it, but for some reason it did not look right to me. I closed my eyes and mumbled a quick prayer. I needed strength to get though this day; I could tell it would be another difficult one. I know it sounds stupid that I would be the one to need strength but I also prayed for Elle daily. It has been a year since she left me and I missed her like an ocean would miss water. What was I thinking? No one could ever fill Elle’s shoes, they were cut for perfection.

I walked down the long stairway pass the dining room and into the kitchen. Breakfast was a pop tart on my way out the door. I could not believe it myself, a pop tart. I had not eaten those since I was living at home with my mother. I hardly ever stood in the kitchen because it was too difficult. I left everything the way she organized it. I know how to cook a little bit but nothing could compare to your wife and your mothers cooking. Besides, I lacked the desire to do anything around the house. I was hungry and still could not bring myself to wake up early and do what Elle used to do so I ate what I could grab, whenever I could grab it.

Maybe my brother is right, maybe its time to sell the house. It has been a year and Elle has yet to even call me. At first she would not answer my phone calls and refused to return my messages. I begged her to come to dinner with me and hear me out, but she never got back to me. Who could blame her after that whole incident at the Diner? She changed her hotel after I sent flowers and other gifts to her room. She even sent all the presents back. Now I have no clue where to find her. I should have respected her desire for space. At least then I would know where she was and be able to make sure that she was alright. She refused to take money in the divorce settlement. She said the only thing she wanted was to get on with her future and she did not need past money. The female judge did her best to urge Elle to clean out my bank account, but she refused. She wanted nothing to do with me.

I once considered hiring a private detective to help me track her down, but knowing Elle, she would probably get a restraining order against me. Besides, I could not risk the reputation of Quality Living Realty; not with all the lives I would effect in the process. My heart ached at the thought of her with another man, married and mother to his children. Those were days that I did not make it to the office at all. Those were the days I closed the blinds and hid behind my eyelids while sleeping the hours of loneliness away.


I looked at Sandy’s naked body lying next to mine. The hotel room seemed more boxed in than usual and smelled of cigarette smoke and liquor. What an evening, I thought to myself. I stared at Sandy as she rested there peacefully, probably pretending to be asleep just to give me an opportunity to stare at her in the nude. She knew how much I liked to do that and she pretty much did any, and everything that I liked. I wonder if she knew what I was thinking, and if she did, does she care. Sandy looked so different from my wife. She was not prettier or smarter. If I were to be honest, I would have to admit that I am clueless as to what I see in her. Sandy’s light skin was still glistening with a light shine of sweat. Her body was not curvy like Elle’s. She was pretty much a plane Jane. She kept her hair in ponytails and buns and rarely wore bright or loud colors. When I finally put thought into it, I realized that she was actually out of her element. How slow could I have been? Sandy was not the least bit provocative; everything that she did was simply to get my attention. She began to wear tight little pencil skirts and high heel shoes, but her style never aligned with her supposedly shy personality. Don’t get me wrong, the woman could be pretty persuasive when she wanted to be. Sometimes I wondered if she did research on me because she knew exactly how to brush up on me or what to bring to the hotel room to have me wrapped in her intimacy. I was baffled by the sensual thoughts of Sandy because in essence, she never took me to the levels that my wife did. I have no idea why I was tripping. As soon as we both wake up, this web of lies is over.
Sandy has been my secretary for the past year and a half. Elle and I hired her together because she had a pretty good resume with great recommendations. At that point I never looked at her in a sexual nature or any nature for that matter. I actually insisted that Elle and I select an adequate gentleman to do the job. I was tired of women being type casted into administrative tasks, while us guys were doing all the manual labor like mail carrying or custodial duties. Elle insisted that we hire Sandy but only because she was supposedly more qualified. Well I guess now I know we made a mistake. She may be book smart but the woman lacks common sense. The only reason I kept her simple behind around was because I wanted her to keep her mouth shut about this affair. She kept making threats about pulling Elle and I into the office and telling my wife face to face that we had been intimate. Whenever Sandy made such threats, I simply laughed at her; I wanted her to think that I did not care. I figured if I showed her my lack of concern, she would no longer see it as a weapon towards my marriage. Little did she know, I cared a whole lot and the biggest threat would probably be to her life if Elle ever found out about the two of us. I don’t know what I would do if that ever happened.
The truth is I have been trying to break this thing off with Sandy for the past four months, but it was like she was reading my mind or something. The first couple of times I tried to break it off with Sandy would fake serious illnesses like cancer and Ammonia just so I could stay with her during her “time of need”. Then she would tell me that she was pregnant or try to start the conversation about her father who was never there for her and how happy she was that she had a real man in me. I don’t know why I kept sleeping with Sandy, but I know that at the rate its going, I may never get the chance to get out of this thing.
I feel so pathetic. Here I am with another woman while my beautiful and loving wife is at home preparing a delicious dinner for me. What man in his right mind would side step on Elle? This entire thing was all a huge mistake. Its time I put this entire affair to an end. As a man, is should have never allowed my flesh to overpower my better judgment and morality. Here I am about to hurt this woman. I don’t care how many tight low cut dresses she wore to the office or tight little pencil skirts, I never should have took this woman up on her offer to meet her at this trashy motel. I do not want to hurt anyone, and I just want this pain, guilt and lies to end already. I am fully convinced that this is the night I will finally break it off with Sandy.