Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Last Night I Woke Up

Do you ever find something about yourself that you hate? I dont mean an eyebrow or a big nose, I mean something in your character. Well I have. I hate the way I handle major & minor situations.

I have a tendency to overthink things a lot. It doesnt have to look like a duck because I will make it quack like one. In addition to my tendency to think myself into a headache, I have a strong attention to detail. I read somewhere that Aquarius are very attentive, so much so that they can tell you the exact moment that you began to ignore them. (This is my disclaimer, I do not believe in horoscopes, however I do believe that there are certain similarities between those who are born around the same time.) I am extremely observant but sometimes I am absent mindedly searching for something.

Something happened the other day that really broke me. I made one of my stupid observations again (And by stupid I mean extremly unneccessary to point out) and of course in additon to hurting myself with basically what ultimately is nothing, I get upset. Now when I get upset, although I am a writer, I have a hard time communicating how I feel. So I would sit there and play the situation in my head over and over and over until finally I am ready to combust and I want you to feel how I feel so I am ready to talk, but the things I am saying have nothing to do with whats going on. It is fueled by my anger. So now I am overthinking and I am angry and I am taking it out on whoever you are because I dont know what else to do. I try to keep my mouth shut and mentally I am saying "Jackie, calm down, none of this is that serious" but I ignore me because there is a hole inside of me that can only be filled if I am unhappy. What an attack from the enemy! That night broke me. I cried all the way home. I sat in the car and cried when I got home. I cried so much I went right to sleep when I got upstairs. I woke up and made peace with the fact that something is wrong with me and I dont know if I am fixable.

As I drove to work the next day I promised myself that I would hold it together. I did not even want to pray because I felt like such a horrible person. I felt unloveable, I didnt think I deserved God's attention. So I silently rode to work. Finally I put on my ipod and a song came on that made me break down and cry, but this time it was not only flowing tears, it was also a cry from the depths of my soul. "I dont want to be this person anymore Lord. I dont want to hurt people because I'm hurt. I want to break the cycle." Just like that it dawned on me that I had become the very person I vowed to get away from. I had become my father. I love my father to death and that will never change but my love for him does not erase the memories of the pain that he caused our family. I was raised to shut people out. I was raised to verbally lash out when I'm angry. The more negativity I saw and experienced growing up is the bigger the hole became. Sadness was familar because happiness never lasted for me. We never had a good week at home. Things were never quiet or safe for too long. So I began to start looking for the next incident because it was more scary when I didnt know it was coming. I analyzed his every action so I can determine which direction his wrath would go. I was thinking in my sleep and the hole inside of me enlargened. Sitting in school wondering whats going on at home and the hole inside of me enlargened. Looking at my father and wondering why he doesnt love me enough to stop physically and verbally destroying our family, made the hole grow larger and the only thing that seemed to fill that hole was pain.

The other day I reached the point where I want to be fixed. I want to have children one day and I cant be like my father. I cant make them afraid to upset me. I want them to be able to talk to me. I have to provide a home for them where they dont have to wonder whats going to happen between mommy and daddy. I want them to be strong and secure. Anything less...then I have failed them as a mother. I have to break the cycle. I owe it to my husband to give him a peaceful home to come to, I dont want him to be afraid of what he has to face when he walks through the door. I want my family to put aside all of our fueding and to realize that we are better together. I want to change my legacy.

This may be the most personal and heart felt blog that I have ever written, but I needed you to know that if you have something about yourself that you hate...you have ability to change it. All you have to do is find out where it is planted inside of you and ask God to uproot it. Many times we can see why we suffer if we search our own selves. I put up a quote on Facebook the other day which I think is relevant:
"The shortcut may be easier but the signs on the long way there are so clear that you will never get lost again."
Which path will you choose?