Daddy was there, but he surely did not take me to the fair. He taught me how to ride a bike (so cliche), but I think if he got upset enough, he would have sold that bike just to teach me a lesson. So often we hear stories of absentee fathers and the children who suffer because he was not there. I have a different version. My father was there, I just wished that he wasnt. I have two half sisters (that I know of lol), both are younger than I am, he has never really been a part of their lives for whatever reason. My younger sister Mimi (Im protecting names for privacy purposes) asked me one day "how did it feel to grow up with our father, I always wanted him around." I smiled, I had to tell her the truth. I figured by doing so it would melt some of that pain that she carried away. So I held nothing back, "Mimi, I envied you growing up, because you were lucky enough not to live with him." She was suprised but relieved.
Living with a miserable person was like living with a depressed one. Their mood tends to change your mood. Ever heard of the saying "misery loves company", well I disagree, "misery hates company and so verbally and physically attacks everyone in sight. So often I wondered how I could despise someone so much, yet love them all at once. It was horrible. When I got old enough and confident enough to move out on my own, I was out of there. It took time for me to learn the way a woman should be treated and what was normal and what was simply dysfunctional. I remember a time when my boyfriend, who does not come from the kind of enviornment that I did, got fed up. He was tired of arguing with me, he was tired of the yelling and constant bickering and was ready to just let it all go. That was new for me because where I come from arguing is a form of conversation (lol) I had to learn that it is not normal to only get your point across by arguing with someone. I know how obvious that is to some of you, but it was not to me.
As I got older and closer to God I was able to heal from my childhood wounds. It got to the point where it was like nothing ever happened. I was able to socialize with him and visit him and check on him from time to time. I even convinced my family members to break the verbal barriers between them. However days like fathers day is difficult for me. I struggle with the idea of celebrating him. What is a father. There is someone who has taken on a fatherly role towards me and I love him. There is God my Spiritual Father who has raised me into this woman that I am, and when I look at those two it changes my perception of what a father really is.
A father is a provider, he is a protector. He is the first man that you will ever love, and the one who should lead you in the right direction. He allows you to fall but is not the reason you are down. He is the "cookie cutter" of how you want a man to treat you or how you as a man should treat the women in your life. Your father is the head of your household. In many ways I missed out on having a father. He was present, but he was never there. I understand to an extent, I mean we are all human and have our individual walks to take, but at the same time because you brought me in this world it is your responsability to be a father to me and all of your children. For that reason, I do not celebrate fathers day. How can I when he still has children in this world that he has continued not to be a father to.
As a Christian we are called to forgive. That does not mean that we must put ourselves back in a position to be hurt. If I celebrate Fathers day with my dad, I am telling him that it is okay to hurt your children. This is my present feeling aside from all things done in the past. We have to learn how to seperate our past from what is actually happening right now. If he will not celebrate with all of his children, then I will not be the one to celebrate him. However at the same time I can not hold a grudge against him because of the way he destroyed our family. All I can do is be a woman about it and not a hurt little girl and deal with my own issues and address seperate issues. If he ever decides to call his 10yr old or his 25yr old, if he ever feels like having all of his children with him, if is ever ready to be the man that we needed all of our lives, then I will be right there willing to help in any way I could. Until then I will be there for him the only way I can, and that is through moral and if neccessary financial support. That does not make me any less of a Christian.
I leave you with this scripture that we always hear the begining of but rarely recite the ending,
"Honor thy father and mother; (which is the first commandement with promise). That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath; but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:2-4
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